Interesting post by tacit — titled Five Love Languages Aren't Enough (and interesting comment thread) where he talks about Gary Chapman's book on the Five Love Languages. Briefly pondering about the arbitrariness of the number five, he talks about three additional languages of love that he particularly finds important.
To Chapman's list of languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch), tacit — also adds:
Creating Together, Nesting Together, and Sex (as separate from just physical touch as having additional dimensions of intensity and vulnerability. This last one I'm not as sure about, in terms of whether it should be separate from Touch).
I've been thinking about all of these a lot, lately.
I completely agree about Nesting, since I've been doing that a lot with catvalente — in these last few months, as we're painting and furnishing, and slowly terraforming the house to something gorgeous and energizing and conducive to states of flow. Though this is an infrequent language (on special occasions like moving, rather than constant day-to-day), I think it's incredibly important to couples/n-tuples, and I think bot Cat and I have felt deeply closer to each other while doing it.
Creating Together is elusive, but also incredibly rewarding. I loved collaborating with her on Invisible Games (which, whoa, I just looked, and it has exceeded its bandwidth this month (and I had to bump it up), I wonder why). And I love the fact that I can help her, in whatever small way, in her projects, and that I can turn to her for help on mine (like this web mud I'm working on). Collaboration is hard, though, since we both have incredibly packed schedules and diverging interests. This language is very important to me, I think, although I realize it is a sometimes food.
The language of Sex is obvious. We're both incredibly happier, and feel way more loved, with regular sex. This is why this one is so important to get right, though communication about it is tough and emotionally fraught.
(Somebody in the post's comment thread mentioned Teaching, which made me grin -- I agree, teaching is such an expression of love, and Cat and I are both thrilled when we get a chance to teach each other something. Somebody else brought up Playing Together, which makes me think of board games and video games, again, something that's great when happens, but is rare, at least for us. Most likely though, a subset of Quality Time).
As for Chapman's other languages, I suspect that Cat and I are not quite synching up on these -- we're both offering what we ourselves would like to the other, and then are surprised when it's not effective.
If I had to guess (and I'm going to ask her, of course), the languages most important to her are.. acts of service, gifts, and physical touch (this one I'm less sure about). And sex, definitely. (And, of the others discussed, possibly Creating Together, though that's perilous, Nesting and Teaching)
Which are important to me? That's even harder, I have to think about this for a while. On first iteration, I would say: Words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time (watching stuff, playing together, though it's hard to find a multiplayer videogame we both enjoy, and reading to each other). And Creating, and Nesting, and Teaching, and Sex.
I'd be curious to know, of course, what your preferred modes of expressing (and receiving) are.
The Sarmatian Protopope
his desires inscrutable but surely base
- On the cardinality of love languages